I hate my phone. Forget the model and brand. Let's just say it's crapping out on me and I absolutely hate it. Leave it alone and it makes ghost calls to the most recent number in my text inbox. I wake up in the morning and find out that I've made thirteen calls ...to my old army buddy from Vietnam. When I get my phone bill, I find out he's picked up each and every time, and holds a five minute conversation with dead air. He's crazy that way.

So, I find myself in the market for a new phone. Thing is, I don't like anything coming out. Sure the features are awesome, I just hate the designs. Sliders, candybars, clamshells, they all fail to tickle my fancy. They're about as interesting to me as old slivers of soap that accumulate in my bathroom. Why don't any of the major manufacturers come out with something that actually looks good?

Maybe I'll just order myself a Port-o-Rotary. It's got the body of an old rotary phone and the innards of a GSM cellphone. Slap on a SIM and tote it around the metro. Sit myself at a Starbucks and lay this down on the table. Watch gawking customers gape when the phone actually rings.

Or, I could get myself a Hulger (formerly called Pokia) not-so-hands-free kit. Available in several elegant designs, these babies are instant classics. I'll have trouble putting this in my pocket though. Ahh the price of style.